All skinfolk ain’t kinfolk: A media analysis of having a therapist that looks like you
The relationship between a client and their therapist is a very unique one. Meeting with a stranger on a regular basis to explore your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings is one that sounds strange to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. Many more people interested in exploring therapy seek a therapist they can identify with. What do I mean by “identity”?
As a Black female therapist, when I think of this request, I think about the desire to engage with someone in a way that makes you feel like their way of moving through the world is similar to yours. For many, verbalizing your thoughts and feelings is an incredibly challenging skill to practice. Knowing there could be a shorthand for how you communicate with a professional can feel like a breath of fresh air in an already intense situation.
There’s Relief Opening Up To A Therapist Similar To You
Whether it’s age/race/ethnicity/gender/sexual identity or a mix of all, there’s a sense of relief you can feel from opening up to someone whom you don’t have to give an explanatory comma for every culturally specific reference you make.
I’ve been seeing this reflected in different ways in the past few years on television. Here are a few shows that convey their take on the matter:
Television Shows That Reflect on Race & Therapy
Ramy
Ramy is a show about an Egyptian-American family each going through an individual crisis of faith and self-discovery, Dena is the main character’s sister who’s finally seeking therapy in response to self-sabotaging her career in law. Dena’s fetishizing white therapist whose offensive nature ranges from the appropriated Asian decor in her office to her questions like “Do you agree brown cultures have emotional relationships with food?” What the hell kind of question is that? What is her agenda? Is she trying to validate some narrative in her head about people of color? And what the hell are “brown cultures”?
This therapist made my blood boil. What really frustrates me is that some progress is still made. Dena reflects on the possibility that her family may, in fact, be emotionally abusive, and invites her mother to couples therapy. And though Maysa, Dena’s mother, is offended within minutes of attending group therapy, she finds herself taking the therapist's advice and consulting with a divorce lawyer. Are people supposed to just forgive cultural incompetence in professionals as long as the job gets done? I think that’s a damaging price to pay for healing.
This is Us
Randall Pearson is one of 3 siblings whose grief over their deceased father is processed throughout the series. But what sticks out about Randall on This is Us, is that he is a Black man raised in a family of white parents and siblings. One of the first things you see Randall’s therapist confront him on is his choice of her as a therapist. A Black man in his 40s has chosen an older, white woman to explore his intimate feelings with. She points out the parallel to the relationship he has with his white adoptive mother whom he’s had the biggest gripe within the season.
Even though his therapist did not identify with Randall, calling out this transference helped define what his therapist represented: someone motherly that felt safe. But was that the reason Randall was going to therapy? He later discovers his need to seek a Black male therapist to help him open up more about his complicated relationship with his biological and adoptive father.
Couples Therapy
This has been one of my favorite binge-able shows lately. I know what you’re thinking. Why is a therapist watching therapy shows in her free time? Because Couples Therapy is a smart and genuine portrayal of how the therapeutic process can be messy and still get you to learn a lot about yourself.
The docu-series is led by Orna, an Israeli-American psychologist who records her therapy sessions, as well as her counsel. In this most recent season, I watch intently Orna’s reactions, verbally and physically, while she hears a Black couple (India and Dale) talk about Sandra Bland, privilege, and the difference in their Black experiences. I admit, I was cringing. Cringing in fear that Orna was going to say the wrong thing that damages the rapport she’s been building.
Should Therapists Address The Topic Of Race?
The thing that reminds the couple they may not be in a place that feels completely safe to be heard and understood. But to my surprise, Orna doesn’t say anything about race. She sticks to the processing of their events and doesn’t acknowledge the elephant in the room. Is this better than saying the wrong thing? Not really. It took the Black woman in her peer advisory group to point out that internalized racism was a factor in the couple’s dynamics. Orna was encouraged by her colleagues to address the topic of race and how her whiteness is showing up in the room for her clients.
Dale Doesn’t Open Up As Much, Is This Due To Difference In Race?
Orna finally brings this up in her follow-up session with India and Dale by asking if they feel affected by her presence as a white therapist. India discloses that while telling her stories, she feels the need to “dress it up a bit” to make sure the therapist understands the context of her life in a specific way. Dale doesn’t quite discuss it directly with Orna but I can tell that he edits himself through his storytelling as well.
He seems to hesitate to go deeper about his Blackness in a session by saying “I don’t want to get too much into that”. Is this an automatic response he’s used to having around white people? It's a common attempt to mind the white fragility in the room by undermining the importance of your story. It’s clear that he respects the integrity of his therapist and does not want to drive too deep into a topic that his therapist can not be referenced as an expert of.
It’s Okay To Be Open
It takes an insurmountable amount of courage just to show up in the room. Now, I’m not saying that your perfect therapist looks like you in some way. Cultural identifiers are not the only factor in finding the right fit with your therapist. If you’re a Black woman, it doesn’t mean that every Black female therapist is a good fit. Expertise and cultural competence are important factors that can create the balance someone needs in a therapist.
In Orna’s case, she is open to feedback from a diverse peer supervision group and that makes all the difference. As Dale points out,” It could work against you”. There is always the possibility that the shorthand becomes a detriment because the therapist may assume the same experience (like counter-transference) and miss the nuance of a person’s situation.
Be Sure to Seek a Therapist Who Can Help You Address your problems
So in conclusion, there is no one size fits all answer. It’s important to seek a therapist with expertise in what you seek to address. It’s also important to recognize that finding a therapist that looks like you can be the factor that gets you in the therapy room, to begin with.
If I had to take a stand, I recommend that folks should go with what gets them in the room cause avoidance can keep you stuck forever. Understand your red flags and discontinue seeing a therapist that isn’t doing the work to remain culturally competent and professional. We all deserve to have a good therapist.
Interested in Working With a Black Female Therapist in New York, NY?
Empower yourself with therapy that understands and honors your unique experiences. Connect with me, Fanny Tristian, a Black female therapist, who is culturally competent and specializes in working with individuals of the same race. Take the step towards finding a safe space at Restority Space to explore your identity, heal, and thrive. Schedule a session with a culturally aware black female therapist who truly gets you by following these three simple steps:
Contact me to schedule a 15-minute phone call to see if we could be a good fit
Meet with me, a skilled Black female therapist in New York, NY
Begin your journey to healing with a therapist who understands you.
OTHER SERVICES OFFERED AT RESTORITY SPACE
At Restority Space, I’m committed to providing the care women may need when it comes to their mental health online in both New York and New Jersey. I offer Individual Therapy to help women cope with anxiety, depression, breakups, unhealthy relationships, and any major life transitions. I also provide Group Therapy to help individual women find a sense of belonging and for more support. My group services include a Therapy Group For New Mothers and a Therapy Group For Black Women. To learn more check out my blog and other resources!